*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…