*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Friends that check up on you >
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.