My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
You Might Also Like
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Hey I worked for it too!
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.