When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
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That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Go girl power!
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through