I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?