WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.