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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My last name is Zilla.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*