I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My background check bounced.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.