A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Chemical wingman
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.