[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
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Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
broke down and did it
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.