My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
peep davidson
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her