As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.