When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.