No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
My background check bounced.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”