[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
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You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Buying a well is money well spent.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.