So the ex texted me
You Might Also Like
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.