If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You Might Also Like
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?