If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet