Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
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I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
taking June’s advice to heart
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.