Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
You Might Also Like
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad