My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
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I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.