You Might Also Like
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?