Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Ferrari squats
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Did…did a minotaur write this
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.