Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.