Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
You Might Also Like
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
this is the best day of my life
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business