My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips