[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly