My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
You Might Also Like
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.