Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.