Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
You Might Also Like
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.