[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
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As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*