I feel this so hard
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tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?