[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.