Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Please, my pastrami on rye. Itβs very sick.
Confession: Iβve said βCanβt wait!β about things I actually could wait for.
You donβt hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. Whatβs the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the airβ¦along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My dog learned how to text
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Husband: so you know itβs ok to admit that youβre wrong sometimes.
Me: Iβm not saying Iβm wrong but I could have been more right.