Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that