[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.