[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
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My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today