[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
True
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎