Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Siri, fight Alexa.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.