Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
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ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems