Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
LOL!
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*