FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
bout dat hot dog summer
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
groan^2
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Software Development ⛵️
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.