I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
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Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I missed you with all my darts
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin