good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”