My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
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Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
And now we wait
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Good advice.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach