Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more