If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.