Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.