Me driving through Toronto
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete