Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Living the best life.. 😊
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me